


No Place To Lose Your Mind

by WednesdaysDaughter



Series: World On Fire [2]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Panic Attacks, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:34:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9581009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WednesdaysDaughter/pseuds/WednesdaysDaughter
Summary: She and Codsworth clear the empty houses of bugs and instead of heading straight out to Concord, Alanna curls into a ball on the floor of Shaun’s room and sleeps while Codsworth keeps guard.“It’ll be alright Mum,” he says before sleep finally comes: Alanna does not believe him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Of course the first fic I wrote in this series would be the "end" of sole's journey - clearly the 2nd fic would have to be the beginning!
> 
> I blame "The Weary Kind" by Ryan Bingham and my depression for this.  
> Sorry everyone.

When she falls to her knees no one is there to catch her.

There is no concerned neighbor quick in their steps; no crowd of laughing children to pull her from despair: There is no one. At the top of a hill she lets exhaustion grasp firmly and shake until her bones feel like they’ll rattle free.

Forced into a suddenly stop Alanna Sawyer bites her tongue and wipes away the fresh sting of tears until thin red lines cross her sunburned nose; her nails sharp and jagged like a hacksaw. Bile rises and she retches onto the dry, unforgiving ground not far from a heap of old bones and it’s a miracle she doesn’t attract the pack of mongrels nearby.

Hands frantic, she pulls at the zipper of her blue jumpsuit until she can breathe through the vice wrapped around her chest and she weeps silently into her bloodied fists. Sun beating down on her unsteady frame, sweat gathers across her forehead and slips into her red eyes until the tears won’t come anymore.

Once green and lush with life, Alanna’s blue eyes take in the wasted landscape and spits a mouthful of blood onto the dusty ground. Her nose hasn’t stopped bleeding since she woke up but she doesn’t bother trying to staunch the flow.

The air cackles in warning – a storm is not far off – so Alanna grunts harshly as she forces herself up and down the hill until she’s standing in front of her old house. The windows are gone along with most of the roof. Debris litters the once spotless Sanctuary Hills and hysteria worms its way into Alanna’s voice when she sees Codsworth.

The poor robot – she is quick to assure and calm him even though she’s miles from being okay herself. She tells him about Nate and lets the tears slide down her cheeks when she tells him Shaun’s been taken.

‘ _What good am I_?’ she thinks bitterly when Nate’s murder flashes behind her eyelids.

‘ _I should have done something_ ,’ she berates while picturing the woman taking her son from Nate’s lifeless arms.

‘ _I have to find him._ ’

‘ _I have to_.’

She and Codsworth clear the empty houses of bugs and instead of heading straight out to Concord, Alanna curls into a ball on the floor of Shaun’s room and sleeps while Codsworth keeps guard.

“It’ll be alright Mum,” he says before sleep finally comes: Alanna does not believe him.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Sun filters across her face and she rolls away from it, burying her face in the warm chest curled around her.

Nate’s laugh is low and slides across her spine like honey until his hands take its place. Alanna hums into his shirt, filling her nose with the soft smell of him, which makes Nate pull her closer ‘til she’s practically on top of him.

It’s quiet just long enough to lure her back into dreams until Shaun begins to cry.

“Your turn,” Nate mumbles.

“Pretty sure it’s yours,” Alanna replies slowly after a yawn breaks her sentence in two.

“I distinctly recall getting him last night.”

Alanna grins knowing he’s right, but for some reason she doesn’t want to get out of bed. If she does, something bad is going to happen.

“Alanna,” Nate urges, but she shakes her head and folds deeper into his embrace, fighting away the cold that’s found its way into their bed.

“You have to get our son.”

A whimper breaks free from Alanna’s mouth and the pounding in her heart drowns Shaun’s cries until they suddenly stop and fear’s hold is tighter than Nate’s who wraps his hands around her arms. He shakes her quickly and her flesh bruises with each jerk.

“You have to get up!”

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Her eyes fly open but her body takes its time.

Paralyzed, Alanna tries to open her mouth to scream, but she can’t. Nate’s warmth is long gone and so is Shaun’s waking cries. The floor is cold beneath her and the shadows cast by the crib creep across the carpet until they’re touching Alanna and her panic grows.

Nate’s voice echoes in her mind; with each passing second it grows louder and louder until it blocks the silence ringing in her ears and abruptly the spell is broken and she can move.

Alanna runs from the house, stumbling onto the front lawn and retching the water and cram Codsworth salvaged for her before night had fallen. It burns her throat: She’s pretty sure she’s screaming too, but all she can hear is Nate’s voice and it hurts worse than her body’s rebellion. Codsworth is hovering in a mad circle around her and it takes some time to realize he’s reciting an old lullaby she sang to Shaun on nights when he couldn’t sleep.

Her stomach settles and she collapses onto her back while Codsworth frets himself into a tizzy.

‘ _The clouds are the same_ ,’ she thinks absently.

‘ _It’s the same blue_.’

“Oh Mum, please don’t scare me like that again!” Codsworth’s voice breaks through her hazy thoughts and she slowly drinks the fresh water he shoves into her shaking hands.

“I’ll try not to,” is all she says before letting him help her to her feet.

She spends the morning rummaging around her neighbors houses for supplies. A handful of hairpins and drugs make their way into an old ammunition bag by the time Codsworth hunts her down for lunch. He helps her find some 10mm bullets for the gun she took from the vault and Alanna hears Nate in her head again when she aims towards the radroach as it skitters across the sidewalk towards her.

“It seems Mr. Nate’s lessons paid off,” Codsworth declares and Alanna could swear he sounds proud.

They spend the night consolidating their findings until Alanna falls asleep leaning against the dilapidated wall in Shaun’s room.

“It’ll be alright Mum,” Codsworth says to no one.

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Shaun is warm in her arms.

His bright blue eyes gaze up at her and he smiles when she kisses the fingers he lightly bats her stubborn chin with. She can hear the shower running and wonders briefly whether or not Nate will shave this time.

“Don’t tell your father, but I like him with a bit of scruff,” Alanna whispers to Shaun who cocks his head in confusion before breaking into another brilliant smile. His laughter fills the room as Alanna pulls him towards her chest so she can pepper is forehead with tender kisses. She feels his yawn and reluctantly lowers him into the crib.

His eyes flutter shut and Alanna turns to check on Nate, but her hands refuse to let go of the railing. She tries to break free, but a splash of moisture lands on her rigid hand and the tears fall without consent down her pale face.  

Alanna can feel when Nate comes in the room and a chill races down her spine. She is afraid to turn around: Not that she could if she wanted to – her knuckles are white. Nate reaches out to touch her shoulder and she’s finally able to let go.

Her relief is shortly lived; replaced quickly by horror when she turns and sees the bullet hole in Nate’s forehead. Blood drips down his clean face and his eyes bore into hers with a dark fire she’s never seen before.

“You watched it happen!”

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

Her whole body is shaking when she wakes up.

There is nothing in her stomach to expel, but that doesn’t stop her body from trying: She has nothing left to give. Sweat sticks to her skin and Alanna doesn’t think before she’s marching past Codsworth and down the hill to where the river still flows. His shouts follow her down and the water’s bitterly cold. She fights with her suit and it’s only thanks to Codsworth’s scavenging that he’s able to save her from severe radiation poisoning later on.

She scrubs her skin red and raw until it tingles.

Her scalp screams in protest as she runs her fingers through the tangled mess of auburn curls. Frantic, Alanna splashes the water across her face until she no longer sees Nate’s bloodied face. It drips into her mouth and she doesn’t bother spitting it out because her throat is sore and it feels refreshing. Between Codsworth’s pleas and the static discharge on her Pip-Boy it’s obvious to Alanna this wasn’t her brightest idea. Minutes pass and when her head starts to pound Alanna reluctantly decides to end her bath.

Climbing up the rocky path, Alanna folds the vault suit beneath her arm and trudges back to her house – Codsworth hot on her heels.

“Honestly Mum you’re going to get sick! Thankfully I managed to find some RadAway. I hope you’re still good with a needle.”

It’s the first time Alanna uses the drug and it’s not the last. It take three tries, but eventually her veins stop screaming from the liquid fire racing through her system and by the time her stomach finally settles it’s late afternoon. The green dress she found the day before belonged to her neighbor Bethany Wilson and she’s glad there are no mirrors around because she’s weary of seeing ghosts.

Codsworth brings her blankets from next door to soothe the chill in her bones and her thanks weigh heavily on her tongue. She wants to apologize, but she’s not even sure what she’d apologize for: Watching Nate die, for not saving Shaun, for being the one who survived? There were a million things Alanna wanted to say, but she left her voice in the river and Codsworth doesn’t press her.

Twilight settles and it’s been two days since she exited Vault 111. It simultaneously feels longer and shorter than that.

She is afraid to fall asleep and fights it until her eyelids slide shut like two steel doors.

Codsworth’s voice follows her into the void, “It’ll be alright Mum.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - -

 

The living room is empty and the sirens echo in her ears.

Alanna turns to the door they left wide open and there’s Nate standing still while their neighbors run for cover. Shaun’s asleep in his arms and like a ghost; he makes no noise as he walks to her side. She wants to take Shaun from him, but Nate’s eyes are sad and she knows that’s not how the story goes.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispers so as not to wake Shaun who doesn’t seem to hear the panicked shouts beyond their home.

With his free hand Nate reaches out to cup her cheek now wet with tears. The warmth is missing from his touch and a chill shoots down her spine when her lips kiss his cold thumb. They’re just inches apart when a bright light fills the sky and Alanna briefly wonders if this is the end; if this is how it was supposed to happen.

Seconds are left and Alanna wants to scream and cry and cling to Nate and Shaun until everything stops hurting so much. She hiccups harshly; sobs trapped in her throat as she plants a gentle kiss to Shaun’s forehead and when Nate tilts her chin up their lips touch briefly like they did the very first time.

It’s the goodbye they never got.

“I love you.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - - 

 

Alanna wakes softly; lips tingling and upturned.

Her lower back aches, but it protests halfheartedly as she stretches in the new morning light. Since exiting the vault Alanna had been unable to get truly warm: Deep in your bones – tingling, never-wanna-leave-this-bed kind of warm. There was still a chill trapped behind her ribs, but Alanna also could feel the flush of her cheeks as blood rushed through her body; clean and hot.

After changing back into her vault suit, Alanna heads out to where a large oak tree stood in the middle of the cul-de-sac and she falls to her knees.

There is no raider crowing in victory with her fall; no super mutant pounding its chest in time with its brothers: There is no one, but a tender breeze, to watch her clear the dying flowers and weeds from the small patch of dying grass.  

Codsworth eventually finds her brushing dirt from her hands onto her tired knees and this time – with the sun high above them and the bright blue sky void of any clouds – his words finally reach her.

“It’ll be alright Mum.”

“I know Codsworth. I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kinda want to cry like a lot right now.
> 
> Writing helps.
> 
> So yeah.


End file.
